Monday, June 10, 2013

Sorry for the Delay (warning emo rants ahead)

Sorry about the month long delay on updating the blog, guys. I wasn't sure anyone was actually reading this until my roommate asked me when there'd be a new one. So, as long as one person reads this, that makes me happy. ^^

Anyway, time for catchup... *deep breath* Well, this month I had swallow my, already low, pride and call my parents to have them send me money so that I could pay rent and eat while my job search continues. I absolutely HATE asking for money because the feeling of owing someone annoys me to no end! *sigh* As it is, I already am in debt to the government about $10k or so because of 2 1/2 years of college that was a complete waste (aside from the great social life it provided me), $2k owed rent to my friend back in Cookeville, TN who let me crash at her apt for a year looking for a job when I flunked out of college, and I'm sure I owe others for various thing.

I want to put it out there for all to see right now that I DO intend on paying my debts. I always pay my debts, I just have to be in a situation where I'm able to do so. Unfortunately, I've never been good with money. I always end up attempting to save money only to spend it when something nice comes along. I guess I'm just weak of will... Ever since I was a kid, I've had a philosophy that I tried to live by, even if it has gotten me into a few problems over the years: If you see something you want, get it. Because when you come back for it later it'll be gone and you'll never find it again. I know that that philosophy is very capitalistic, but I grew up going yard saling almost every day. 90% of everything I own I got from yard sales. So, I grew up thinking of myself as a scavenger.

Of course, using that philosophy I've lost quite a lot of money in my quest for happiness over my life. I've tried buying gifts for people that I liked only to have them throw them back in my face. I've collected everything from bottle caps to stamps to cards to videogames and everything in between. Hell, I have over 14,000 games in my collection at the moment. People compliment me on it all the time. I thought it'd make me happy. I thought that it'd bring me friends. I thought wrong. Oh don't get me wrong, I LOVE playing videogames and collecting things still, but it doesn't make me truly happy.

In fact, I have no idea whatsoever HOW I can become truly happy. Maybe it's because I'm always worrying about something. I try not to show it because I like being the entertainer, the one who looks at the silver lining, but I can never shake off the glass-half-empty thoughts. That's how I was molded, I suppose, growing up. Growing up yard saling made me cheap. In high school I was constantly picked on which lowered my self esteem. During high school, my body had a phase where even coming directly out of a shower I'd smell bad, which I, fortunately, outgrew (or at least it lessened significantly), but it made me self conscious about how I smell and permanently placed the impression in my head that everyone thinks I smell 24/7. Every friend I make I loose contact with, which makes me think that I only had friends to use them somehow; which made me question myself about using people all the time. When it came to love I was turned down at every opportunity until I just gave up on it. The only relationship I ever had was a truth or dare date that turned into a year and 1 day relationship (not really since we lived in different towns and only got to see each other 4 weeks during the summer and 1 weekend a month). So, I don't even believe that I know what love is...

...My worst problem is that I know my problems. My worst fear is that I create my own problems so that I can use my problems. Am I typing all of this because I wanted/needed to get it all out? Did I type it all so that I could get help/closure? Or did I type it all just so that I could get some sympathy? THAT is what goes through my mind every day and the worst part is...I don't even know the answer any more.

*sigh* Well, while I'm ranting about my problems, something else that's been on my mind a lot lately is, well, my mind. I look around me at everyone else and their lives: 11 year old authors, 19 year olds who have been to multiple countries, people who have done more, experienced more, lived more in just a few years that I have in my entire life! Is it all family, connections, money, or is it all smarts? I look at all these people who are half my age creating works or art, traveling the world, and falling in love and wonder: How? How can they do these things and I cannot? Is it all predetermined from birth? Am I destined to end up like my family: farmers and bums? I grew up telling myself that I never wanted to be like that! That I wanted to be the first person in my family to go to college and graduate, make something of my life. What happened? I get out of high school with a 3.14 GPA and 2 1/2 years of college later I am at a 0.0174 GPA. I don't know if destiny is real or if there's a god up there manipulating everything. What I do know is that we can't change who we are. I've wanted to believe that people can change, but the more I look around, the more I think that's a lie. I come from the union of a mechanic and a secretary! What made me think that I could ever become something more than that?

I mean, just look at my life; just the last 8 months of my life. When I moved to Texas from Tennessee, I came searching for a land of new opportunity, a chance to start anew, a place where I could grow. What I found was reality not the fantasy land I imagined in my head. I went from sitting in a chair, in front of my computer, all day, every day in TN to doing the exact same thing in TX! I wanted to meet new people, make friends, find a girlfriend, get a great job, possibly a career (something to make my family proud of me). What I got down here has been the repetition of getting a job, loosing the job, and, other than the occasional outing, remaining alone.

...alone. I'm always alone! I hate it! At times there's this pain in my chest that hurts so bad I want to just curl up and cry and other times it makes me consider ending everything because I see no point to anything anymore. I don't think I could ever do it, mind you, so no need to worry. I have a million ways I could kill myself, but I'm too much of a coward to ever do it. Plus, I know the worry, sadness, and devastation it causes because I've lost friends to suicide before. However, that doesn't stop the feelings from being there. Of late, I've even felt emotions that I never wanted or thought myself capable of. I actually sat and watched a family of cats from my apt balcony and imagined how I'd go about gathering the cats in our cat carrier and then pulling them out one by one and snapping their necks. I hate animal deaths! I've never even been hunting or killed an animal before, but there I was planning it out in my head before fear of my own thoughts snapped me out of it!  I know there's something wrong with me. Something...everything, it's hard to tell at times. My looks, my personality, my very being... I just don't know.

ALL OF THIS! All of it goes through my head every day. It's why when you look at me I usually have a frown on my face if I think no one is looking. Still, though, I try to put on a happy face, smiling away at everyone. I make friends and continue living even though my brain keeps saying there's no point. Maybe it's just a mental breakdown on my part or perhaps I'm having an early mid-life crisis at the age of 24! (a mere 2 days after my birthday in fact) *sigh* I've been told that I just have to find a reason to live. Something that makes me happy and gives my life purpose. Whether that's a craft/skill or a relationship I have no idea. Still, I hope that I can find my beacon someday soon.

Until that day, though, I'll remain a poor, dumb, single, 24 year old, virgin, furry.

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