I have to apologize to my readers for the depression-filled rants from my last blog. I had actually planned on typing out something happy, but when it rains it pours, am I right? ^^; So, I'd like to take a chance to state my case for why I've been getting so worked up of late.
As you've probably guessed from the title, my main problem of late has been stress. I do a good job hiding it IRL, but I'm constantly worrying. (I get it from my grandma.) I just get so stressed over everything lately. Let me break it down for you all.
I got $600 near the end of May from my parents after I had to suck it up and call them to let them know I'd lost my job and was living on change. Of course, first thing I do with it is pay rent so I have a month to get shit back together. Well, here I am only 14 days into June and I'm down to 1/6th of that money. I'm probably about to get charged $115-$230 tomorrow because of back-logged loan payments because the stupid company doesn't like to communicate properly. I STILL owe one of my friends from before I moved to Texas $2,000 in rent.
On top of all the money worries, I've got relationship issues and I'm not even IN a relationship! So, I'll admit this, in case you've not caught, yet: I'm a virgin who's only ever been in 1 relationship before (and that was based on a truth or dare game). So, I have this very aggressive, but cool friend of mine who seriously scares the crap out of me with how forward she is. She is upset with me simply because I turned down having sex with her. I know, a guy (a virgin, no less) turning down sex? Something must me wrong with him, right? Probably. At least, I'm pretty sure I've got mental problems when it comes to relationships. Why? Because I have another friend who's recently had a kid and LOTS of serious problems with her ex who, I think, is reaching out to various people and latched onto me. She's nice and I don't mind hanging out with her at all, but the way she's coming on to me worries me. Plus...I just don't feel anything but...concern when I look at her, no attraction at all. However, my roommate's have, of course, had enough of my single moaning & groaning and are trying to push me to get with the second chick. Don't get me wrong, I'd love a girlfriend, but I want someone who I actually like as a friend AND have an attraction to.
Then, there's the job situation... Since I've moved to Texas I've, luckily, been able to find jobs when needed, but I can't seem to hold jobs. I spent 4 months as a telemarketer, 1 month as a mall kiosk attendant, and 2 months as a tuxedo salesman. Now, I'm looking for yet another job. Not just any job, but one that can pay my bills. As much as I liked my last job, it was just barely paying part of my bills. I spend $300 in rent a month, plus $115 in loan payments, plus $75 for internet and electric, not excluding gas for my car, and food to live on.
As you can see, that's a lot to worry about (though, I know that that is exactly what most people have to deal with on a daily basis). I also worry that I'm letting my family down more and more. I'm the oldest of 3 boys. I'm supposed to be setting an example for my younger brothers. I'm supposed to be building up credit and savings so that I can get things like a house in the future and take care of my parents when they get older.
Hell, my youngest brother is going to become an Eagle Scout this year and he wants me to come and be part of the ceremony. I'm just not sure I'll have the funds to make it there even though this is a huge event for my family! This will make 3 Eagle Scouts in our family when so few Boy Scouts ever reach the highest rank in all of America! (About 7% of all scouts, actually.) On top of that, my middle brother has become an E.M.T.! I'm so proud of him for actually achieving his goal when he's 6 years younger than me!
*sigh* So, yeah, that's it in a nutshell. I'll try and be more positive in the future, I promise. OH! Thanks to the few people who remembered to wish me well on my birthday (June 9th)! It was only a handful of people online and I didn't even get to spend but a few hours with my roommates since they worked all day or were gone with family, but I did get taken out to eat, play some games, and go see Ironman 3 by my friend Purple Pardus. ^^ Of course, since no one was available to hang out with me on my birthday we decided to combine mine and my roommate's birthday parties together into one since his was only a few days later (the 12th of June). However, I got upset every time people would say it was his party instead of our party. In fact, none of the people who came to the party even knew about my birthday. Just another reminder of how alone I really am down here in Texas.
I really do have so few friends other than my roommates. To be honest...I sometimes wonder if they're only even friends with me because we HAVE to live together and if we didn't they wouldn't give me the time of day. Especially since I've felt increased hostility from 2 of the 3 and sometimes when I'm around them it just gets...uncomfortable. I guess that just comes from the big personality difference between me and them. They all have predator personalities where I have the prey personality.