Sunday, July 7, 2013

Texas is a bust

Well, I guess I should have seen this coming. My roommates are kicking me out of their apartment. I haven't been able to find a job in over a month. I still haven't made hardly any friends.

It just seems that every time I try something new, hoping that my life will get better, it just ends up the exact same as before: with me losing my job, losing friends, ending up in debt, and me ending up more depressed than when I started. I really don't know why I expected this to be any different!

I mean, I really don't see the point to life at all! I have no purpose, no love, no REAL friends to be attached to, no career, NOTHING! In my life, I've failed one thing after another. First it was relationships, then college, then keeping jobs, then keeping friendships. The ONLY reason people keep me around is to use me. Use me for my stuff or as the butt of their jokes!

What good have I brought to the world?! Seriously, someone answer me that! I know damn well that I've led a piss poor example in life for my little brothers. I know that I've let down my parents and grandparents. I've let myself down at every turn!

Someone, please, just tell me that my life has meaning. That I'm good for something. That I should keep on living when every day I feel this hole in my chest get deeper and more painful. Yes, I know that it's depression and that I've never had a lot of self esteem. But, is that all there is to this? Is this all in my head or is that just the icing on the shit cake?!

All my life, I've looked around and thought that surely this isn't how the world really is. Surely it's better than it seems. I know it's not magic and whimsy like we think it is when we're younger, but surely it can't be THAT bad. But then, you turn 24 and see that the world isn't that bad anymore, it's just gotten worse. You realize that even the people in it have gotten worse.

Then you start questioning why you'd even want to live in world like this. I've not come up with an answer to that question, yet.

Now, in all seriousness, I've never been one to support suicide. In fact, I've helped people fight it off and even help them through it. I've always seen it as an option, sure, but never a feasible one. Until lately, that is. I don't know if it's just the world getting to me...or the people around me breaking me down...but I'm to the point where I've considered it on multiple occasions. Taking one of the myriad of knives in this apartment and just slitting my wrists, chugging as many pills as I can find, or even just leaning too far over the railing on our 3rd floor balcony...

Really, how could I not have ended up in this state of mind?! All throughout my childhood I was looked down upon by other kids. I was that smelly, fat nerd. Even the other boy scouts would knock me down, sit on my face and fart! No girls would even consider going out with me until one was forced to in a truth or dare game; coincidentally how I got my first kiss. My dad used to choke me when I was very young so I've never really trusted him. In college, I was always the gofer, the lackey, the errand boy. All my high school friends stopped talking to me, all my college friends stopped talking to me. I was forced to move back to my tiny town in the middle of the woods in nowhere, TN, where I had to sit in a small corner of my room on my computer 24/7! THEN, I move to TX because of an online friend whom I've gotten to see all of 3 times in the 8 months I've lived here! The couple that I live with have gone from somewhat liking me to hating me; I take that back, one of them has hated me since they met me! I constantly am getting some form of abuse! Normally, I just shrug it off, but inside it just keeps building and building! There's only so much mental abuse someone can take before they just...SNAP! I am so very close to that point right now. I've never really been a violent person. I used to beat up on my little brothers, but when I got to the point of actually abusing them, I felt so bad that I shut my violent side down permanently. So, I'm left with the other alternative.

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